I Choose.
“This is the singular, hard truth I come up against every day; I am the one responsible for my experience. I decide what I let in; I decide who I let in; I decide how to perceive things; I choose it all.”
– Laura McKowen, We Are The Luckiest
It has taken me 37 years of my one wild and precious life to figure out that I am, indeed, the one in charge of it all. The actions that I take, the love that I make, the hearts that I break, the careless mistakes that have taken me places I never imagined, and the breakthroughs that have left me breathless. These are all my choices, or the results of them. They are exactly who I am. And I am the one who makes 100% of them.
Walking into and owning this perspective has been one of the most horrifying and exhilarating things I have ever done. When I see my life as a series of choices that I make, it means that I am responsible for everything (horrifying). It also means that I am free to choose anything (exhilarating). And here I am, choosing like there is no tomorrow. Only there is, and it will be comprised of the outcomes of the choices that I make today. And so on, and so on and so on, as long as I shall live.
The most meaningful application of this concept into my life has been my work on the use of language to either own or dismiss my ownership of things. I now identify the ways what I say can dismiss responsibility, and I try to self-correct. When I hear myself saying that “I have to work today” or that “I can’t go to the party, because I am too tired”, it just doesn’t feel right. More importantly, it is a missed opportunity to profess to the world that I am here, living my own life and making the choices that are best for me, unapologetically, and on my own terms. Every time I use dismissive language and write off my decisions as though my hands are tied, it is a missed opportunity to feel that brave strength rise uncomfortably within me and for it to be witnessed by someone else.
The concept of ownership v. dismissive language doesn’t mean that life is always within ones control. It does mean that as we are making choices, every one of them leads into the next and there are so many points along the way where we can actually and entirely change everything. I am not a puppet to the things I was born into, and there are no scripts written out before me which I do not have the power to change.
When I know that “I need” to work to make money and support my family as a single mom, work begins to feel like not much of a choice. And, at the end of the day I am the one making the choice to live a life that requires this of me. If I had chosen to live in a tent in the woods, and hunt and gather, I would not need to work all that much. I do not choose to live in a tent in the woods nor to hunt and gather, and so I do. And this is my choice. Any time that I hear myself saying (this can be internal dialogue or out loud to somebody else) something that begins with the words “I should, I have to, I need to, I can’t”, I now take a pause. Then, I internally re-work that line of thinking, and see how things shift. “I choose to work hard, so that I can live the life that I desire to live and support the ones I love to do the same.”
If I am (as I often am) shoes-laced up leaving for a run, and my son needs me (as he often does) for a crisis-level Lego intervention in that VERY moment, there are two ways that I can respond. The most natural (dismissive language) response would be: “I can’t right now sweetie, I have to go on my run and I am already later than I should to be”. The response rooted in ownership and choice sounds like “I would love to help, and right now I am going to choose to start my run because running really matters to me! Hopefully after I get back, I will be energized and I can help you, too!”
In choosing the second response, not only does that rising up of self-respect surge within me, but I also just modeled radical self-care, healthy choices, and a way of parenting that says “I matter, and this is me showing you I know it. I hope you learn how to do the same!”. The greatest way to show our kids that it is okay for them to take up space and that they matter on this planet, is to actively model this in our own lives (even when it means they get the short end of the stick).
It is so easy for me, still today, to start down a spiral of dis-empowered and shackles-on thinking. If I want to feel good during the day, “I have” to get my workouts in and spend quiet reflective time alone first thing each day. I know this to be true, and so I am fiercely committed to these routines and the time they take in every day. In this commitment I can confuse myself into thinking these things are chores, when the reality is that I am the one choosing to be a happy and engaged mom, person, partner, and friend. I know what I stand for, and I act accordingly.
I choose it all (and you can too.)
